Curiosity
by YoSafBridge
Summary: Randal shouldn't have asked. No good ever comes from asking about Elias's personal life.


He shouldn't have asked. He tried to ignore it, he was usually so good at that. God, did he wish more than ever that he'd stuck to his guns and just didn't mention anything.

* * *

Elias was in pain. It was hard not to notice. He was walking with his legs spread wide and wincing with every step.

Randal didn't care. At least he didn't want to. Probing into Elias's personal life never ended well and usually led to nightmares. Plus, he was fairly certain he knew what the problem was without asking, he happened to hang out with the sort of people who got kicked in the balls on a regular basis.

After hours of hanging out at the Video store without any customers (Probably because he'd 'forgotten' to unlock the door) and nowhere to skip off too (The Quick Stop was closed today, Dante was off doing something responsible with Becky and the spawn) Randal came to the unsavory conclusion that the only person in the world he could talk to was Elias.

In other words, he was bored, and the story of how Elias had injured his little (operative word) guy could possibly be hilarious.

"ELIAS!" he barked at the kid standing 3 feet in front of him, reshelving VHS's (and these new things…called "DVD's", Dante had made him pick some up, although Randal maintained they'd never catch on). Elias jumped half a foot and movie boxes clattered to the floor. Never got old.

"What the fuck happed?", Elias's face contorted into a look of childish confusion as Randal rolled his eyes and clarified "Your balls, man. You're walking like you're on your period so either someone injured your 'nads or you and me need to go shopping for your first training bra."

"I'm not a girl Randal" Elias said haughtily

"I know that...I wish I didn't..."

"Oh…" Elias's eyes drifted off and he appeared to be thinking deeply.

Randal was wishing very much that he'd listened to his instincts and ignored the kid like every other day.

"Yo, Elias" he snapped the kid back to the present "Balls, man, what the fuck happened?"

Elias sighed deeply and looking very put upon began to talk, "Not that it's any of your business Randal, but I went out with my girlfriend last night."

"Who, Mya Hotcunt?"

"Myra Hotchkiss!!"

"Whatever…So what'd you do?"

"What!" Elias squeaked blushing deeply

"Why'd she kick you in the balls. Caught you nacking on a dude?"

"No sh--"

"Donkey?"

"RANDAL!"

"Then what?"

"She didn't kick me in the…down there. We--I mean…Myra and I---"

"Holy God, you fucked her didn't you?!"

Elias's eyebrows disappeared into his hair as his eyes widened comically, he hastened to cover the ears of the little Jesus hanging around his neck.

"Well…not exactly"

"Jesus Elias --"

"We were going to though!--" the kid added hastily, trying to gain back some of the man cred' he'd just lost, "Myra said she was ready and we were…you know…and…" Elias stopped and Randal's patience hit its breaking point.

"And what?!"

"Pillowpant's bit me"

"Who did what"

"Pillowpant's…he bit me."

The world clouded over, everything in Randal's peripheral vision turned dark as he stared in a weird sort of horror at the kid standing before him…his brain processed what he'd just been told and then decided to reject it out of hand, all he could think to do was repeat the statement in hopes it would make more sense coming from his mouth.

"Pillowpants…bit you?" Elias nodded and another 30 seconds passed as Randal stared at him before attempting to speak again.

"Elias…are you telling me that your girlfriends Pussy troll bit your cock off?"

"Well … not 'off'"

"Jesus Christ Elias, who cares about the magnitude of the bite, you're telling me that 'Pillowpants', otherwise known as the troll that lives in your girlfriends pussy…bit you."

"I should have known…her birthday's not for another 3 months. She promised me that Pillowpants wouldn't do--"

"ELIAS! You know Pussy trolls aren't real right?" Randal asked weakly, fearing the answer.

"Don't be stupid Randal, of course they're real…you know, you've seen them."

"No…"

"But you told me…You told me all your girlfriends had pussy trolls! You told me their names. Remember…remember, I even bought Carpetmuncher a birthday present last year, you said if I didn't he'd--"

"I know, I did. I made it up! C'mon man, you didn't really think tha…what the fuck are you doing!"

Elias was fumbling with his zipper, his belt already hanging open. "I'll show you…he bit me…it was pillow pants" his hand disappeared in the waistband of his underwear.

"I believe you dude! I believe you, put it back in! Jesus Chri--"

"WHAT THE FUCK!" time froze as both Elias and Randal turned towards the door of the video store, Randal's hand resting on Elias's underwear, frozen in the act of trying to push it back in. Dante stood in the doorway of the RST, also frozen, keys dangling from his left hand, baby held in his right. A look of shock plastered on his face.

The spawn started crying.


End file.
